The transition of going from full time with mommy to a couple hours at school each day has been rough on Ez (and Joe and I). It's been so rough that I wouldn't even want to record it here except that I figure one day, like maybe when he's a teenager and wants us to drop him off around the corner so that none of his friends see us, we'll look back on this and laugh. Also, reading about other kids and parents going through a similar experience has made this a teensy bit easier on me, so maybe our experiences will have the same effect on someone else. A warning to the grandparents: this post may make you sad, but it gets better by day 4, I promise.
Choosing to put Ez in preschool was a fairly last minute decision. We didn't officially enroll him until August, not because we didn't think it'd be beneficial, but because the cost was so substantial and many preschools seemed very serious, with one even guilt-tripping me for waiting until he was four and saying the only way he'd be ready for kindergarten next year is if he puts in eight hour days AND does homework each night. I can accept that kindergarten may be a little more advanced than it was when I went to school, but I'm not going to make my four year old work longer hours than Joe does. So we shelved the idea for a bit, and then something told me to keep looking. I wanted Ez to have a few hours a day to socialize with other kids without me present. I know he's a smart kid who will get the academic part of school with no problem, but the social aspect and independence would be a shock to his system. Thankfully my second round of searches went much better, and we found the perfect fit. Each Monday through Friday afternoon, Ez goes to a small class preschool with only a dozen students and two teachers. The main focus is on playing, but they also follow a schedule and have lots of specialized attention.
Of course, knowing this was the best decision for Ez didn't make the first day any easier on Joe and me. Sending your baby off into the big world brings up so many emotions. I mean, wasn't I just pregnant with him yesterday? Word of the wise if you haven't yet gone through this yet: DO NOT LOOK AT BABY PICTURES THE NIGHT BEFORE. Seriously. Don't. None of us cried during drop off, but my heart did break a little on the way home when I passed several garbage trucks and Ez didn't yell out from the backseat, "LOOK! A garbage truck!" Knowing that Ez is shy, quiet, and sensitive made leaving him alone on that first day all that much harder. But it's because he's shy and quiet that we wanted him to have this experience. I was the same exact way as a kid (and as an adult) and I remember loving school so much and I have faith Ez will feel the same way. As his teacher told us, preschool will be his first world that we're not a part of, but to have faith and trust in his ability to step out into the world and develop a sense of independence.
Ez got the chance to check out his new school twice before the first day, once when we were still looking at schools, and another time at Open House the Saturday before school started. Each time we went Declan walked in like he owned the place, making himself right at home, going from activity to activity and joining in with other groups of kids. Ez, on the other hand, held back, tried to cling to my hand, and stuck with his standby favorites: cars and the wood chips in the playground. Playing with wood chips is one of his favorite things, and the teacher kindly let him know they were off limits, so that burst his bubble a bit.
Leading up to his first day Joe and I told him all about the fun and exciting stuff he'd do and learn in school. I did my best to hide any of my own sadness and tried to make it exciting, but also not too much of a big deal. For the most part he'd ask to go to school, and seemed excited about it, but on the actual first day of school he did throw a small fit saying he didn't want to go. I told him all four year old boys and girls go to school, and that seemed to do the trick. We got there about fifteen minutes early so he could play outside and get some energy out. Decky was with us, and unfortunately right when the teacher came out to line the kids up Declan threw a major fit over having to leave the school's tricycle behind. I think that added to the chaos for Ez, and he was a little confused about what was going on as the teachers led him into the classroom. No tears, just innocent confusion, which was even sadder.
The teacher let us know Ez was shy and quiet that first day, which was no surprise. She said the one time he spoke up loudly and clearly was when she asked him if he needed to go potty and he said, "No, I don't need to use the potty." Using public restrooms is typically a battle with Ez, and I'm hoping as the year goes on he gets comfortable enough to get over that fear. When we arrived to pick him up they were doing story time and the second teacher had to keep asking him to sit up because apparently he was over it and just wanted to lay down. Eventually she gave up and just let him on the floor, and then they began excusing the kids. As soon as the teacher said, "Ezra, you can go, your mommy's here," he popped right up and ran over, pushing other people out of the way to get to me. He immediately asked to finish his half-eaten apple out of his lunchbox. He showed me his art in his art bucket, and when prodded he said, "I like this school." On the way home he was singing songs from Puppy Dog Pals and Moana, and he was pretty much bouncing off the walls with excitement the rest of the evening, although he gave very few direct answers when asked about school.
Day 2 was more difficult. There were sad, silent tears before we even left the house. And after listening to the Moana soundtrack the whole way to school Ez told me as he exited the car, "I'm not gonna be with these kids. I have to go find Maui's hook." As the kids lined up and marched into class Ez grabbed his backpack and ran toward me and I had to lead him into class where the teacher gently but firmly shut the door behind him. Back home the waterworks started full force for me. He looked so little and lost and confused, and it took a lot of reminding and pep talks that this is the best thing for him, and by the end of the year he'll be at a pro at school, which only made me cry more. That evening his teacher emailed us that he'd been sadly asking for mommy throughout the day, which broke our hearts. We're so grateful though for the small teacher to student ratio that allows them to give Ez a little extra love and attention when he needs it.
Day 3 brought more tears, and a stronger refusal to walk into the school with all the other students. I wound up having to leave him crying on the floor in the hallway, which was heartwrenching. His teachers handled it so well, and I'm incredibly thankful for them. They even made a point of opening the sandbox for Ez at outdoor play time, because they know he loves digging in the dirt. When we checked Ezra's art bucket after school I found this heartbreaking note, along with his picture from his first day of school: 💔
Day 4 is when we turned a corner. After Wednesday's fit the teachers realized Ez would need a bit more coaxing than the other kids (did I mention we were the only parents getting daily email updates?) and so Miss Wendi came up with a new drop off plan where she would come out and take Ez's hand at 12:15, right when school starts and walk him around the playground with her for their five minutes of outdoor time before lining up and going into the classroom. I hid in a corner with some of the other moms and observed until the second teacher told me he was doing well and I could sneak away. Then I hid in the parking lot and observed some more, and he lined up with the other students and walked right in when they rang the bell. No tears or anything. In my nightly email update the teacher let me know he hung his backpack up and walked right into the activity room and participated in all their activities. He was comfortable enough to play on his own without being led around by the hand, and would often bring whatever he was playing with to Miss Wendi to show her. The school's director even gave me a friendly call to let me know he was doing much better and hadn't cried or asked for me once, which was such a relief to hear.
On Day 5 Ez regressed a bit. He realized that when Miss Wendi took his hand, mommy would disappear, so he did circles around my leg, with his face buried in my pants, trying not to let Miss Wendi get his hand. When she did he threw himself on the floor crying and one of the moms led me out while another mom spied on him for me. He got over his fit pretty quickly, but when I drove away I could tell he was still teary eyed, though Miss Wendi was doing dances to cheer him up. When I got to school to pick him up he spotted me right away (usually I try to hide until the teacher begins dismissing students). He ran up to me and the teacher led him back to circle time until his name was called. He stared at me forlornly and then when she did call his name (like 30 seconds later) he threw himself on the ground crying. I walked away to the art room and he ran and found me and then cheered up when he saw all his art projects in his bucket. Miss Wendi said he didn't cry all day until he saw me at the end, and that he even participated in their dance time, which he'd been hesitant to do all week. We went for a mommy-son ice cream date and as we were driving away from the school he pointed out the window and exclaimed, "That's my school! Look! There's my playground."
On Days 6 & 7 there was a bit of resistance before we left the house, but no actual tears on the way to school or at drop off. On the car ride Ez kept saying resolutely, "We're going to my school." and once we got there he pointed out Miss Wendi to me and willingly took her hand when she offered it to him. When I picked him up he sang me the Goodbye Song they sing at the end of the day, and then said, "We'll be back, school!"
I'm so impressed with my big four year old boy for all the improvement he's made in one short week, and in his resilience for going to school each day, even though it's been hard for him. Usually when he comes home from school he's in an amazing mood, which makes me think he loves school at least a little bit. Or he's super grateful to be home. Probably some combination of those two. I have to mention yet again how lucky were were to find this preschool. The low kid to adult ratio, the emphasis on playing, and just the love and care from the teachers and staff has made this transition as easy as possible. Even the other moms have been so caring and helpful, and although Ez may not agree just yet, we're so lucky to have found this sweet little community.
A few tips that have helped us through this transition:
If your kid doesn't adjust right away, don't blame yourself. Some kids are naturally introverts, or shy and quiet, and this has nothing to do with parenting and everything to do with personality.
Have faith in your child to do hard things and learn and be brave. Even if it doesn't happen the first day, or week, they will grow into independent little people through this experience. (Cue more tears.)
Go over the school's daily schedule frequently. Whenever Ez showed signs of anxiety about going to school I'd let him know what to expect that day: activity room, circle time, art room, snack time, outdoor play, story time, and then I'd be there to pick him up as soon as they sang the goodbye song. I think knowing what each day would bring helped a little.
Play up whatever their favorite activities each day were. Joe and I both spent a lot of time praising his artwork, and thanks to his teachers communication with us we were able to tell him he'd get to play with the animals he liked, and his favorite race car, and the sand box at school each day.
Take it easy on everyone that first week. Don't plan a bunch of other extracurricular stuff, don't try to do hard mental tasks, read a book to pass the time while they're in school, or spend time with your youngest who gets to experience being an only child for the first time.
Stock up on wine (for mom and dad) and marshmallows for the new student (or whatever treat they particularly love). It's amazing what a couple marshmallows can do for morale.
Learn the other kid's names and talk about them when going over the school day so that they become familiar instead of strangers. I also made sure to mention that they are all class mates and friends, and all of these kids are his age and being a student is new to them as well.
Take some time out each evening for family time and extra snuggles and love. You all deserve it!
I won't subject you all to another day by day post like this, but I hope to do another update a month or so in with much more positive news. I, for one, am so looking forward to Ez's first holidays at school. Give me all the pumpkin art and homemade ornaments. We've also got a few fun field trips in the next month that I know he's going to love.
Parenthood is hard. To all you moms and dads out there, you're doing an amazing job. And to all the grandparents, I appreciate you more than ever now that I know all the stuff you went through!
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