Pregnancy Confessions: 38 Week Bump Update

38 weeks! We are officially in the "are you having contractions yet??" stage. The if you don't answer my call/text right away, it must be because you're in labor stage. All you pregnant mamas know what I'm talking about. And no, no contractions yet. 

But, since this could very well be my last bump update, I though I'd get real and throw some pregnancy confessions out there:

• First of all, a huge thank you Cars, and Disney in general, for babysitting my child and for a guaranteed 90 minutes of sanity.
• Ez's 2 year old vocabulary can be a little hard to decipher at times, but the words "chocolate" and "cookies" are magically crystal clear. And the kid can recognize a See's bag from a mile away. Sympathy cravings?
• Soap and cleaning products fascinate me. At this point it's a borderline obsession. (See my 37 week update)
• Yet my house is never clean. 
• Sometimes I send Ez off to look for something just so I can hide whatever book we've already read 300 times in a row. #momoftheyear
• I've made it my unintentional mission to eat my way through the entire cereal aisle. Current fave: frosted mini wheats.
• I'm really bad about remembering to lotion up my belly. Unless it's itching like crazy, and then I use like a month's worth of lotion at once. So far no stretch marks though, so I'm pretty sure those lotions and oils don't actually do much in the way of prevention.
• Also, I always forget my prenatals. 
• I haven't checked baby center or any other baby development sites in months and therefore have no idea what sized fruit this babe is comparable to right now. If I had to guess, I'd say record-breaking watermelon-sized though.  #secondbabysyndrome
• I'm addicted to cooking shows. I never used to watch Food Network, and now it's pretty much my constant companion. 
• But I have absolutely no desire to actually cook. (See cereal comment above.)
• Ez survives on larabars and fruit like a little foraging squirrel for days at a time. (And cereal, of course.)
• My doctor commented on how much weight I've gained, then went back through my charts to see if there was a big jump in one particular week, before informing me, "Oh. You've gained a lot of weight at each visit." Thank you, Dr. Obvious. (For the record, I gained the same amount with Ez.)
• We still don't have a name nailed down, but Joe has grown exasperated enough to give me full control on that matter. ;)
• Joe once made me laugh so hard I peed myself. Watermelon on the bladder + laughter is not a good combo.
• Joe has also been asking daily if the baby can please just come out already. Apparently I'm not the most pleasant 9 month's pregnant lady. I'm with Joe on this one though. Come out any day now, lil guy.

And in honor of my last Disney bump pic, I threw together a little collage of all my Disney pregnancy pics:

My stomach got certifiably huge in the last two weeks. I'm kinda scared how much bigger it can get if he decides to stay put for another 2-3 weeks. 

And, in case you wanna look back, here's all my other bump updates. Thanks for following along!

5 (More) Signs You're in Toddlerville

It's been awhile since my first Toddlerville post, and if there's one thing about Toddlerville, it's that the landscape is constantly changing. Toddlers like to keep you on your toes. One day they love something, the next day they hate it. So here are 5 new, updated ways to know when you're in Toddlerville.

1. If you've ever scooped up a Gumby-like, protesting child who has collapsed into a heap of Jello on the floor of a public place, then welcome to Toddlerville. This is pretty much a rite of passage. Bonus points if you successfully accomplished this while pregnant, because I can speak from experience that it's no easy feat.

2. If you're suddenly aware just how many things in the world are not lickable, and you find yourself saying things on the daily like, "Don't lick that basketball that 20 other toddlers just touched (and licked)" then you're definitely living with a toddler. Good luck, because the amount of unlickable things they still manage to lick is pretty disgusting if you stop to think about it too much. Somehow they survive though.

3. Getting dressed every morning has gone from a simple 2-minute affair to a rousing game of tag, where at least one person is thoroughly not enjoying the process (usually me). Once a certain toddler is caught, he reverts to the Gumby-like position I talked about in #1, which makes getting pants on super easy.

4. You put way more thought and practice into making animal and motorized vehicle sounds than you ever thought possible. If they gave out degrees on how to make elephant sounds, Joe and I would both have Masters by now. Well, Joe would probably have his Doctorate, because Ez has decided he's the top elephant trumpeter in the house. He's basically certified to give lessons now, if any of you are looking to improve your elephant sound game. He also does a good lion, goat, and airplane. If it puts a smile on a fussy toddler's face, there's no shame in pulling our your best choo choo train in public. #happytoddlerhappyparents

5. Despite the physical rigors and public embarrassment that happen daily in Toddlerville, you find yourself saying I love you at least a billion times a day. If a casual acquaintance or a co-worker put you through all of this, you'd most likely block their number or start looking for a new job, but somehow a toddler manages to pull this off and still comes out looking like the cutest, sweetest, cuddliest little person on the planet. It's a mystery of science how one person can be so simultaneously exasperating and completely lovable, but only a toddler can pull it off.

And, while we're on the topic, here are a few of the most recent #reasonsmysoniscrying:

- It's time to brush his teeth

- It's time to stop brushing his teeth (I think we can all agree toddlers are hypocrites)

- It's time to get dressed to go to the park/Gymboree/anywhere

- It's time to leave the park/Gymboree/anywhere

- It was actually not a good idea to leap face first into the hardwood floor

What about you - any crazy toddler moments to share this week? What's the most embarrassing public meltdown you've dealt with? It's nice to know we're all in this together!

Why Moms Don't Get Anything Done

I'm sure you've all seen this video floating around the internet. If not, go watch it now, because I'm sure every parent (especially the stay at home ones) can relate. It's hilarious, and also slightly depressing because it's true. That video is pretty much reason I try to cram in any chores while Ez is sleeping, which means not a whole lot gets cleaned around here. A few chores Ez likes "helping" with are laundry and sweeping. He actually is somewhat helpful with the laundry: I hand him clothes out of the washer and he throws them into the dryer. But this is what happens when we try to sweep together:

In case you're wondering, that stuff you see flying through the air are the little bits of dirt and dust I'd already swept into a pile. And then, a few minutes later, while I was getting dinner ready, this happened:

Apparently Ez's armchair was a bit bland, so he spiced it up with the entire contents of a salt shaker he swiped off the kitchen table. First of all, when did he get tall enough to reach stuff off the table? And secondly, why is he the one crying about this mess? I took "his" salt shaker away and told him the salt doesn't go on the furniture. A complete meltdown ensued, which only got worse when I brought out the vacuum to clean the mess up.

By the way, you might have already seen that photo last night on Instagram, with the hashtag: #reasonsmysoniscrying. Going through all the other photos on instagram with the same hashtag was pretty hilarious and comforting. A few of my favorite reasons why these kids are crying:

- I pressed play on a movie he picked out.

- the "toothpaste tantrum" : He sure did think the toothpaste tasted good.

- He hated his Everglades outing because we wouldn't let him get down and play with the gators.

- I offered him a piece of cheese.

What are some of the funniest meltdowns your kids have had recently? Sometimes it's nice to know all moms have been there. 

5 Signs That You're in Toddlerville

Last night, after Ez went to bed, Joe and I were lying awake talking about this new place we've found ourselves in: Toddlerville. We started joking about how we'd rate it on Yelp, if we could. 

1. Toddlerville is full of little hoodlums. Any toy you've ever bought can and will be used against you. As a weapon. For some reason Ez has gotten into a fun new pre-bed routine when he's tired but still fighting sleep so he decides to start launching everything he can get his hands on at our heads. And he does it with a mischievous smile, that lets you know he knows he's doing something bad. I believe parenting books call this "testing the boundaries." But most people in the real world would call this bullying. Or being a jerk. 

2. I already mentioned that toys are weapons in Toddlerville, but it should also be mentioned that Toddlerville is basically built out of toys. Toys definitely seem to be the roadways of our house, anyway. Here's a picture of my kitchen floor right now, which is pretty standard if we remove the barricade (our ottoman) for a few minutes:

3. Toddlerville is a place where pooh defies gravity. Joe spent a lot of time dwelling on this one last night. How does pooh climb up a back? It just seems like it defies physics.

4. Clearly this Yelp review isn't looking too good for Toddlerville. I'd say we're at about 1 star. (Having a toy car launched at your head will remove a lot of stars real fast.) But the amazing thing about Toddlerville is that a little thing like an impromptu dance party or a smile (of the non-mischeivous, not plotting-harm-against-you variety) can completely wipe the slate clean. I can't even count all the nights when we've finally gotten Ez to sleep, and then we spend our free time looking at pictures of him and contemplating if we should maybe wake him up for just one more snuggle.

5. The learning curve in Toddlerville is pretty astounding. No day in Toddlerville ever looks the same, because Ez is just changing so fast these days. One day he's crying in frustration because he can't make his puzzle piece fit, and the next day he's mastered the puzzle. And the words are starting to come. Real words. Not only ones that start with "B" - this makes Toddlerville a very exciting place.

Final Yelp review for Toddlerville? 5 stars - just like every other stage Ez has gone through. Though this stage is definitely not for the faint-hearted, and is much more challenging than the newborn phase, it's also so fun, and much funnier. That kid cracks me up every day. And watching your kid figuring things out and learning how this world works is one of the most rewarding parenting experiences, if not the most rewarding.

Linking up with The Farmer's Wife for the Oh Hey, Friday series!

Assembly Required

I'm just gonna throw it out there that one of my least favorite parts of parenthood is all the assembly required. There was the crib, dresser, and changing table, which was a ton of fun to put together while I was eight months pregnant. *sarcasm* (nothing is fun while 8 months pregnant). Then we had an extremely pleasant year-long lull in putting stuff together which was broken today when we had no option but to put up a real baby gate (instead of the strategically placed cases of water that we had been using). Ezzy tried to jump headfirst over the water bottles last night. Thankfully he didn't make it, and just belly flopped on top of the water bottles, and then flailed around crying to be rescued. Unlike putting together his nursery furniture, this time I had to contend with a very active baby trying to climb on my back (see photo 1) as I was trying to decipher confusing instructions and manually screw the gate into the wall since my power drill is a cheap Ikea p.o.c. I know this is only the beginning and we've got plenty of Christmas and Birthday toy assembly in front of us. When you pair Joe's impatience for reading instructions, and my tendency to do at least one step per project backward, Ezzy should be in for some interesting presents... Sorry, kid.

Also, as you can tell from the pictures, Ezzy thinks the gate is his newest toy/personal jungle gym. Fingers crossed that thing holds up...

Mommy Laughs

Once you're a mom, you realize there are things that nobody can understand unless they've been there themselves. So I get really happy when I come across articles and blogs by other moms who understand what it's like being sleep-deprived, and unshowered, and basically ruled by a tiny little being that can't even speak yet. Here are a few articles that have made me laugh out loud this week, and give a good glimpse at life with a baby:

1. What I Do All Day When I'm Home With the Baby - To start with, I love the blog's tagline: Attempts at Adulthood. Her whole timeline had me cracking up and thinking somebody else gets me. The end pretty much sums up a day in the life of a stay at home mom: 4:46  Jonathan arrives home.  Asks how day was.  Asks what I did today.  I show him clean sink and baby who is not crying or bleeding. Yup. What more can you ask for? 
2. Real-Life Mommy Brain Moments - as you can tell if you scroll through the slideshow, misplaced keys and phones are a serious source of contention for moms. Also, leaving the house without shoes has happened to me recently. Twice. Anyone else? The first time I made it all the way to the grocery store, stepped out of the car, walked around to the other side to get Ezzy, then finally noticed I was rocking my bright pink fuzzy slippers. Suddenly I understand the women who grocery shop with curlers in their hair.
3. If I Had Known - This one made me laugh at first, but I was crying by the end. When you're childless, it's easy to think of several tangible reasons why parenthood is so hard. And all anyone ever says in response to those "downsides" is that "it's all worth it." Which is true, but it's nice to find an article where someone so articulately puts into words why parenthood is "worth it." 

Any other mommy brain moments you'd care to add to the list?